


Just before the darkness get's me, I can hear your voice

by N8schatten



Series: A thousand lives, but our souls are the same. [3]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Character Death, F/M, One Big Happy Family, Soulmate AU, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:01:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N8schatten/pseuds/N8schatten
Summary: Everyone knows it. It can happen at every moment and you have never enough time. The only way to know if you found your soulmate is when they die. Their last words, if they are your soulmate will be written on your skin. Yes it hurts. More than you can imagine.
Relationships: Amy Pond/Rory Williams, Tenth Doctor/River Song, The Doctor/River Song, Twelfth Doctor & Missy, Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Series: A thousand lives, but our souls are the same. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768171
Comments: 19
Kudos: 42





	1. You are my sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> READ THIS PLEASE!!!
> 
> Last Words Soulmate AU: The last words of your Soulmate appear on your skin once they speak to you for the last time.
> 
> I'm mentioning abuse and blood, so please, if you are triggered by those, do not read or stop reading once you feel uncomfortable.
> 
> I will also make a second chapter on this Au, because I want to explore the Doctor in this situation too.
> 
> Like always, English is not my first language, please make me aware of mistakes, I want to get better.

John was old, cross and scottish. That was how everyone, who knew him would describe him. Oh and yes it was true. He was so scottish one of his daughters was scottish too, even doe Amy never had lived in Scotland. He was cross, well look at those eyebrows! Oh and he was old, no question. He is seventy years old, but he still could run like he was twenty. “You look like a penguin with his arse on fire.” River mumbled, repeating Bills favourite line and John glared at her. Regretting ever introducing them. Cross remember?

“How do you…?” River just snorted and smiled up at him. “You’re thinking out loud.” He chooses to ignore his wife and opted to kiss her. Easier this way too shut her up. River glares at him and shakes her head. Still she drapes his arm around her shoulder and curls deeper into his side. 

They are in Hyde Park and for once their whole family is here. John’s sister, Missy with her daughter Clara. His and Rivers three kids. Jenny, their oldest with her husband David and their two kids, Susan and Jack. Their youngest and only son, Benjamin, who’s still a bachelor and Amy and Rory with their daughter Melody. 

Melody is the reason why they are all here. Why he and River drove from Bristol to London. She was finally released from the hospital. After years of fighting cancer, Melody is finally free, and everyone had gathered in Hyde Park to celebrate. Even Melody’s namesake and godmother, Mels was here. With a grin on his face, he watched his son. 

“What do you think, dear.” He mumbled into Rivers hair. “Will he finally stop pinning after Mels and asked her out?” Rivers reacts with loud laughter. It cached the attention of their whole family and River hides her face in his neck. “Your awful!” River says against his chest. John tugs her closer. “Maybe, but, let’s be honest we probably have to put them in a room and loose the keys.” This time it’s John who grins. “Yeah, probably.” River mumbles and John looks back over the crowd that was his family.

Jenny with her hair that was so blond it looked almost white in the sunlight. Susan is sitting in her mother’s lab, grinning up at Jenny. John smiled. Susan had Rivers grin and his dark hair. Jack, on the other hand, looked like his father. David was a nice man, and he was Scottish. That was something that had won both John and Amy over nearly immediately.

Benjamin… none of them knew where Benjamin got his looks from. Yes, the lanky body he got from John, but the mop he called hair? They thought it probably was from Rivers parents. Since River was an orphan, they never got to know who her parents were, so it was the most likely thing. 

Amy on the other hand, Amy got everything from his mother. Her hair and temper and her grin. She probably had learned her humour from Missy, but John also thought she got that from her mother too. Melody came after Rory, calm and patient and sweet. Even doe sometimes her genes came through and John could see River in her. 

He loved his kids. The only thing that bugged him was the fact that all of them had straight hair. How that had happened was a mystery to him. He had curls, Missy had curls and River was the definition of curls. So why had his offspring’s straight hair? Even most of his grandchildren had straight hair. Only Melody inherited the wild locks. They only had started to grow back and Melody looked positively adorable with her honey blond hair curling tightly around her head.

“Stop thinking!” River mumbled, stabbing her elbow in his side and he jolted a little bit. His wife giggled again and he looked down at her fondly. River still looks like the day he had met her. Not a gray hair on her head and just a more few wrinkles. Most people look scandalised when they kissed in public. Even more muttered about age gaps and that he should be ashamed. John kissed Rivers hair fondly. Nobody would think his wife was fifty years old and yes here is an age gap between them. A gap of exactly twenty years. River had been twenty-five when they meet. He had been forty-five. He is pretty sure there are still some of Rivers old flames out there, who are cross with him, but he doesn’t care.

They had met at an University gala and ended up hitting head with each other, after John had called her an amateur and archaeologists in general idiots. None of them could recall how they ended up in Johns flat, very naked and very hungover, but somehow it had clicked. They had married a few weeks later with Missy and Jack Harkness as witnesses and Clara as flower girl. River had worn his mother's wedding dress and oh, how beautiful she had been. They had found out about Jenny a week into their honeymoon and it had been the happiest day in his life. Amy had come along a year later. River had been on a dig and it had been Anita, one of her friends, who had called him with the happy news. He had been on the next plane to Brazil. With Benny two years later everything was perfect.

Their kids had grown up to be thick as thieves, quite literally. There wasn’t a day in their life that one of their children hadn’t been brought home, by an angry neighbour or from the towns priest herself. Well…neither River nor John liked Kovarian very much, so most of the time their kids just got a pad on the head, when the last one happened. 

Jenny was an adventurous whirlwind, with too much energy. Amy, the force of the trio and the one who could lie the best. Benny was the one who always knew the fasted way out of trouble. All three of them where way to clever for their own good and more than once it blew up in their faces. Rory had been a part of their team from the start. Liking especially Amy, but also was best mates with Banny. Besides, he was the only one, who could calm Amy down if she was really angry. River had loved the boy from the start. When Mels had stepped into their lives at the tender age of nine, she had brought one of many surprises with her. They had gotten a call from the school. They had known that they both had been called, until they met at the front doors. They had thought it was Amy, when the headmaster had told them there had been a fight. 

It wasn’t, not alone at least. Benjamin had sat in the chair right beside the headmaster’s door. Nervously fidgeting with his uniforms tie and refusing, to look them in the eyes. Amy had sat to his right still fuming with anger. Jenny had looked at them and there was something in her eyes that John had recognised from River. A silent invitation to fight her. Rory had sat in the last chair of the row, just as nervous as Benjamin, but calmer. Between Jenny and Amy had been a little girl, with dark skin and dark locks almost as wild as Rivers. She had looked at them, and John had seen something from River in her eyes too. A lost look. All of them had bruises and bloody knees, but the girl had an additional cut on her cheek.

Neither John nor River had said a word to them. They simply had entered the headmasters office. Some idiotic little imps had thought it funny to bully the little girl, Melody. Their kids had stepped in and when the bullies didn’t stopped it hadn’t taken long till the first punch had been delivered. Surprisingly it had been Benjamin who had done it. It escalated quickly after that and now they were here. The whole thing had ended with River fuming and all of them suspended for two weeks. None of the bullies even got a scolding. River had stormed out of the office telling the kids to move. At the sight of their fuming mother, all of their kids and Rory had shot to their feet. Only Melody hadn’t moved. “You too!” River had said, pointing her finger at Melody, before she had turned. A group of kids following her like ducklings. Mel’s had starred and gaped, so John had offered her his hand. “Don’t worry, she is not angry at you. Do you know your parents number?” She had corrected him on the parent thing, but told him the number. John had called her guardians, telling them everything was alright, and they got Mels. 

River drove them to get ice cream and then back to the university. River told them that she was proud of them for standing up against bullies and racists and got them her blessing to punch them should it happen again. The kids spent the whole two week in their lecture halls, learning about archaeology and physics, while doing their homework.

Somehow it got a habit after that to pick their kids up, after they got in trouble. Especially Mels. They could tell endless story of bailing her out of prison. None of them complained once. River, because she would have been a hypocrite, if she did so. John, because he was far too used to do it for his wife and sister. 

“Thinking about meeting Mels again, my love?” He hummed in agreement and shuffled to the side when Missy fell onto the bench right next to him. “Why are they still like little kids? Or more important how can they have so much energy?” His sister huffed and let her head fall onto his shoulder. He patted her head with a grin. “Be happy that you only had one of them.” Missy growled and scratched her arm. John’s eyes focused on the word written on her skin. _Bitch_

Her soul mark. John kissed her cheek and tried very hard not to think about Harold Saxon. 

Missy had been with the man since Uni and for a very long time it had looked like they were happy. John still could kick himself for not seeing it. Harold Saxon had been an abusive dick, that hurt Missy and their daughter and had at least two other women at the side. John had only found out about it when Missy had called him crying and in panic. Saying her husband was about to murder her and Clara. He had broken enough laws, driving to fast and to reckless, that there had been a few police cars chasing him. He hadn’t cared for a second. Instead, he had broken the door to their house open, not even thinking about the keys in his pocket.

Clara had been on the kitchen floor, bruised and bloody, unconscious. The officers who had followed him into the house had stopped cold once they saw little body in his arms. One of them immediately had holstered his gun and started yelling for the others to call an ambulance. That was when the shots had fallen. John had pressed Clara in the man’s arms and run upstairs without thinking. Two cops at his heels. He had found Missy in Harold’s study. Leaning against the wall, clutching her stomach, the other arm outstretched the gun in her hand still pointing at the man on the floor. 

Missy had looked up as he bolted into the room. One of her eyes swollen shut, bruises everywhere. Her neck had been bruised too, bruises in the form of hands around her windpipe. Her dress had been torn and it took him a moment to long to understand that Missy had been shot too. He had carefully hugged her, his hand around the wrist with the gun, telling the cops to take it. A young woman had done so and not a second to late. Harold lying on the floor had laughed, a manic cackle. His eyes had been locked onto Missy, and John had felt how his sister had jerked. Her finger twitching, as if to pull the trigger. Harold had died right there looking at Missy. His last word has been “Bitch” and John had watched as it appeared on Missy’s forearm. 

Nobody had blamed Missy. Her actions had been declared self-defence and protecting her daughter. Both of them had been fine in the end. Missy had needed surgery, but she survived. Clara had been fine too, several broken bones and a concussion, but she was fine. John hadn’t left her bedside, until she woke. 

It had been in the media for days, especially Saxons soul mark. It declared in big bold letters “abusive bastard” and not even his family could stop the outrage and anger that was the public.

John hadn’t cared for any of it. His had only cared for his sister and niece. It had been easy to get Clara to a therapist, but Missy had fought it for months, even doe she couldn’t even sleep without nightmares. 

John curled his other arm around Missy’s hip and kissed her head. She didn’t say a word, but he could see her blinking. She thought about it too. “It’s over” He mumbled into her hair and brushed his thumb over the place where he knew was the scar of the bullet. “You’re free.” 

They both nearly jumped out of their skin, when River suddenly jerked to her feet. Her eye’s where dark and there was something dangerous in the way she glared. “BENJAMIN JOHANATH SMITH” Everyone stopped at once, frozen in place staring at River. Benny flinched so hard he dropped the plate with raw meat and nearly put his hand into the barbeque. “Mum?” He looked more, like the frighten little boy he had once been than the twenty-two years old man he was. Staring up at his mother though his hair, his shoulder pulled up to his ears and pure terror written on his face. 

River didn’t care for any of it. She stalked into his direction and her eyes narrowed even more as Benjamin took a step back. Everyone winced in sympathy once River reached Benny and slapped him over the head, hard. They all knew how much Rivers slaps hurt. 

John got to his feet and very gingerly he stepped closer to his wife, who was still scolding their son. “River?” She didn’t even blink. “…and when the hell did you plan to tell us?” “River, dear, what’s the matter?” She whirled around to face him, rage still clearly visible on her face, but she calmed a little bit at the sight of him. River took a calming breath, combing her hair out of her face with a hand and announced. “Melody is pregnant and Benjamin is the father.”

They went silent for several seconds. Everyone was staring at River, no one moving, beside the kids. John turned his head to look at Melody just to see her blushing and that her arm had curled around her middle, where a little bump was visible. “Yes” She mumbled and blushed even more. Amy screamed with unadulterated joy as she rushed for her best friend and nearly tackled her to the ground. At once everyone was around Benjamin and Mel’s and everyone was talking about the other.

“How did you know?” John asked as he gathered River into his arms. She hummed. “Mels ALWAYS brings alcohol to a party, always. In the last two months she didn’t. Besides after your comment about losing the keys, I noticed that they behaved differently around one other.” River grinned up at him. “Little touches that were too familiar, too close and then she moved just wrong and her shirt tightened around her belly and well…” John laughed at the gleeful expression of his wife and kissed her.

They noticed it way to late. The happy chatter and the teasing made them obvious to the change. John was just about to gather Susan into his arms when the sound of shots, rung through the air. He threw himself to the ground his body over Susan’s. His granddaughter screamed in fear. All around him his family did the same. Rory dove for Melody. Amy pulled Mels to the ground with her. Jenny and Clara had grabbed Missy, who was frozen in fear. David had Jack. There was more screaming from the other side of the park. None of them moved until…

“John”

Somehow he had known what had happened, before he even looked up. River never sounded so afraid. His River never sounded so fragile and weak. Cold dread settled in his stomach, as he looked up. River was still standing. Looking at him with big eyes. Her face was white and tears glittered in her eyes. She was holding her chest and beneath her hand he could see, how her blouse slowly turned red. 

He was on his feet in an instant. Yelling for somebody to call an ambulance as he run to River. She started swaying in place as he reached her. He cached her just as her knees buckled and lowered her carefully to the ground. “It’s going to be fine, River.” It was a lie and he knew it, but he couldn’t… he just couldn’t think about anything, but River being fine. So he pressed the heel of his hand onto the wound, trying to stop the blood flow. “Stay with me River.” He mumbled almost possessed and pressed his hand harder to her chest. 

“John” Her voice was barely a whisper and it sounded so wrong. “John.” He looks up, just as Rory arrived next to him and took over. His son-in-law screamed for something, but John couldn’t understand. He stared at River, who was pale and looked so very calm. “It’s fine Joh…hn” She whispered and then whimpered as Rory pressed some clear plastic to the wound on her chest. “Yes” He mumbled. “It’s going to be fine, I…I promise you, River, it will be just another scar.” River was crying and he knew, that she knew he was lying. “It’s ok, darling” She said around a pained whimper. “It’s ok.” 

John didn’t believe her. Something cold settled in his stomach. Cold and hard and arching. His chest burned and his vision got blurry, but he blinked his tears away, refusing to waste just one moment. River smiled at him and he heard the sirens of the ambulance. He didn’t blink. He didn’t breathe. He just stared at his wife, so beautiful. Still looking like the day he had met her, smiling up at him. “John” Her hand gently cupped his face and he blinked, startled and focused on her. “I love you” There it was, her devious grin and her sparkling eyes and John laughed a choked laugh and took her hand in his to kiss it. “I love you too River.” She smiled, and her hand shook violently in his. “John?” He looked at her, tears filling his eyes again. 

“Sing for me.” “What?” It caught him completely of guard and River for a moment every little bit of pain left her eyes and face. She was positively glowing as she laughed until suddenly she was coughing. “Sing…Sing for me.” She said once she could speak again. “Sing the lullaby you always sing when the kids are ill.” His heart stopped, and he just stared at her. “River, no I…” There was a look in her eyes, and John creased his eyes in determination. “Only if you promise you will survive this.” River manages a week smile and brought their clasped hand to her lips. “Hush now.” She whispered before she kissed his hand. “Spoilers” She breathed the word against his hand and John heard himself gasp. 

Spoilers. Their little word. Their little secret. River had first muttered it the day after the gala. When she had walked in on him making breakfast in nothing but the bed sheets. Spoilers had been her word the day before she had married him. Spoilers had been part of their wedding vows. Spoilers had been her word when Jenny had come around and when Amy did and Benny. Spoilers. Maybe it was the word or the look in her eyes. Her longing for peace and his happiness. John smiled at her and sang.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.”

The sirens were near. The sound was screaming in his ears and it hurt, but John could only see River. Smiling at him. So soft and so loving. She had looked at him like that on their wedding day and when their children had been born. 

“You make me happy, when skies are grey”

He knew his family was around him. Rory, who was still next to him pressing onto Rivers chest and shouting for the paramedics. John heard his grandchildren sniffling and asking what was happening. Why was grandma on the ground? Why was grandfather crying? But John only saw Rivers eyes and the peace that settled there. The green looked at him and his voice broke for the first time.

“You never know d-de–ar, how mu…ch I love you”

River smiled. A brilliant and glowing smile that made warmth spread through his body. There she was his River. The love of his not any longer miserable life. He smiled at her and now he could hear the steps of the paramedics. He could hear Amy saying something, her accent so thick it was almost ununderstandable. He could hear Jenny cry and Mels talking frantically. He knew Benjamin would stand next to her, silent tears streaming down his face, but holding Mels close and safe.

“Pl…Please don’t…take…”

Rivers eyes dropped and the was a lump in Johns throat. Rory's voice hitched next to him and then his son-in-law spoke even more frantically. It hurt to breathe and swallowing was almost impossible, but John had to go on. They had made a deal. He would sing. River would live. So he forced the words until they broke from his throat in a whisper.

“My sunshine”

Paramedics dropped their bags to the ground next to him. Rory was talking and John just held on to the hand of his wife. No longer able to speak. They laid River on a stretcher, and somebody helped him to his feet. He was walking along the stretcher. Rory still next to them talking and helping. John just stared at his wife. 

Laying there so still and so white. With her eyes closed. They let him into the ambulance. He didn’t even notice the drive. Just sat there in a corner watching them work. He still could feel Rivers hand in his. When they arrived in the hospital, they made him let go. Made him stay behind. A nurse was telling him, that River had good chances to survive. John nodded and stared at the closed doors of the theatre. He never said a word just stared. His arm pressed into his stomach, burning. His hands staining his shirt red. John knew what he would see, but he just couldn’t. He already had seen her arm.

***

“What’s her name?” 

John stared down at the little girl in his arms. So tiny and fragile. A newborn baby girl. The newest part of his family. Benjamin exchanged a look with Mels. She smiled tiredly. Sweat on her brow and looking utterly exhausted. The little girl in his arms looked like her. Dark skin, just a little bit lighter than hers. Dark hair already curling in all directions. She yawned and John smiled at her as her little nose wrinkled. “What do you think dad?” Benny asked from his place right next to his wife. 

They had wanted to wait until it hurt less, but John had refused. He had told them that wouldn’t be what River had wanted. She had waited for this moment for so long. He had arranged their wedding. Made it the most happy memory in their minds. The had insisted on the same place where he had married River. So John had made it possible. Had them married in an old church in Leadworth. It had almost felt like River had been there.

John looked up and met his son’s eyes. Tears where shining in them and John just new. A teary smile stole itself on his lips. Wrinkling his nose almost like the one of the little girl in his arms. “River” Mels said, and John blinked his tears away. 

Rearranging his granddaughter in his arm. Purposefully ignoring the word _Spoilers_ written on his arm in Rivers elegant handwriting. John smiled at his granddaughter, tugging her closer. Holding her safe.

“Hello Sunshine”


	2. It hurts like hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers  
> It was written in a beautiful script that, without question, belonged to River Song. Just like the words. The Doctor sat down heavily on the floor and just stared down on his arm.

It was Donna, who saw it first. The word written on his arm. She noticed it after she had thrown him into a pool, with his clothes on. Donna had laughed and seeing her happy for the first time since the Library had been worth it. 

Or maybe not…

When he shrugged out of his dripping cloths Donna had made snide comments, but there had been a light in her eyes that betrayed her words. Something about dogs, the Doctor wasn’t really listening. What he noticed was the sudden silence.

When he looked up Donna looked like a ghost. Her face was white and she was clutching her hands against her mouth. “Donna?”

Only when she took a shaking breath he saw that her eyes were fixed on his left arm. Maybe he knew what he would see. Maybe he had known all along, but still seeing the word on his arm was like a slap in the face and a fist in the stomach. 

_ Spoilers _

It was written in a beautiful script that, without question, belonged to River Song. Just like the words. The Doctor sat down heavily on the floor and just stared down on his arm. 

_ Spoilers _

He could see the crown of wires on a head of curls and the tears that ran down River’s face. He could hear the countdown and the wiring of the computer. River last words ringing in his ears. Most of all he could hear his name whispered into his ear. Sounding more like a prayer and a love letter than just a name.

River Song was his soulmate. River Song was dead and … she was his soulmate. The Doctor saw how his hand started to shake and suddenly he couldn’t breath any longer. 

He didn’t even know the woman. He knows nothing about her. Nothing, but her snark and her smile. He stared down at his arm and the word written on it. 

And all the once he couldn’t breathe any longer. He sat there next to the pool in a puddle of water, with Donna frantically talking to him and all he could do was thinking about River Song.

How brave she had been, smiling at him, promising, that he would see her again. 

How she had looked at him when she had realised that he didn’t know who she was. 

The Doctor thought about the way she had said his name and a soft sob escaped him.

***

The first time he saw her again was after Midnight. He had brought Donna home for Christmas and left her to get a bunch of presents from the TARDIS. 

Wilf’s huge smile and bubbly personality was balm for both of them. There was something strange between him and Donna since Midnight. Not only, because of what had happened to him on the tour. Donna had tried to talk to him, about the word on his arm. The last word of his soulmate. Donna tried talking, but the Doctor didn’t feel like talking at all. So yes, Wilf was good for them, because nobody could withstand the bubbly air that was around the man. Especially not around Christmas.

The distress call surprised him, but he was pretty sure he could be back before Donna noticed. So he set the tower of presents down, carefully, because one of them was a Ming-vase that was worth a lot of money. At least that was what Donna had said. He had really found it in himself to ask, because Donna had grinned at him in that way that was… well the Doctor knew better than to challenge Donna. 

“Well old girl” he mumbled. “Let’s see if we can help.” He threw a lever and added in an afterthought. “Just make sure I’ll be back before Donna notices.” The TARDIS just hummed in amusement. Bloody traitor.

He stepped into a battlefield. Loud, messy and filled with potatoes. “Oh no!” He mumbled and tried to turn around, but the doors of the TARDIS snapped shut behind him. “Oh what the hell?” He cursed glaring at the doors. “Really, why now?” 

He noticed the silence a moment too late. “It’s the Doctor!” He turned around and almost every Sontaran was looking at him. The doors behind him stayed close. 

“Oh, well hi!” he stammered. Looking between the Sontarans and their guns. “Sorry, I have to go!” And then he was running.

He didn’t notice her until she grabbed his wrist and jerked him next to her. “Hello Sweetie, you took your time!” There she was, River Song in all her glory. A gun in her hand, her hair a mess and …oh. Were those jodhpurs?

“Not that I don’t appreciate your silent compliments, but really Sweetie, no the right moment.” “What? What?” He blinked up at her and at the smirk she was giving him was way too satisfied. “Maybe we wait until we’re back at the TARDIS.” River shot another Sontaran who got close to them, loudly proclaiming that the big head would pay for her crimes. 

“You know.” The Doctor said slowly. “Somehow I believe them.” River looked almost affronted, but there was still a silent gleam in her eyes. “Really sweetie, you bring this up now?” She shot another one and ducked back behind the barrier. “Now, darling, where exactly is the TARDIS?” He hesitated for a moment, but there was an explosion, too close for his liking, and before the Doctor could think about it he grabbed River hand. “RUN!” 

The doors closed behind them and River was laughing loud and happy and by Rassilon, she looked stunning like this. “Now that was amazing, darling.” River giggled and holstered her gun. Her steps had a certain swing and really, why was that woman wearing jodhpurs? “Now Doctor, where do we go next?” His cheerful voice snapped him out of his River-induced stupor and his eyes snapped up to see River circling the TARDIS. “Actually” he mumbled and joined her, pressing several buttons. “I’m expected elsewhere. Donna invited me for Christmas and, well I really only wanted to get the presents.” He pointed at the tower of wrapped parcels on the seat. Rivers' eyes softened. “Oh, of course.” Her smile was gentle and then she continued to enter coordinates into the TARDIS. “Where are we going?” He asked looking over her shoulder. River smiled at him. “I’m going home and so are you.” They landed before he even noticed that they had started their journey. 

“What the hell?” He looked at River with big eyes, but the woman just grinned back and kissed his cheeks. “Spoilers Sweetie.” She was out of the door, before he could comprehend the word and then the TARDIS was back into the vortex. 

_ Spoilers _

His arm burned and every bit of the rush that his adventure with River had been, left him. Suddenly he didn’t feel like Christmas any longer, but then again he had promised Donna and Wilf would be sad. He signed and threw a lever. “Let’s go home.”

***

The next time was…he wasn’t in a good place, when he met River again. In retrospect, that wasn’t a reason, but… He was so angry. 

Donna, his brilliant Donna had forgotten him. Had forgotten everything she had been and oh Donna…

Rose was back in Pete’s world, with the…other him and all the others. Gone. They left him and he could understand it, but…

This time he didn’t get a distress call. He met River in a bar. Hell he didn’t even want to be in that bloody bar. It was filled with all kinds of bad people, but in the middle of them all directly on the bar, surrounded by all kinds of people sat River Song. Her dress, if you could call it a dress left nothing for imagination, and her hair looked even wilder, but somehow it seemed almost to glow. She looked perfect and welcome and somehow it made his blood boil. 

This woman, this impossible woman, who should be dead, but kept showing up, was alive. She was alive and here, laughing and flirting. While Rose was gone and Donna…

He fully intended to turn around and leave, but River already had seen him and her face lit up. It hurt and he didn’t want to be here. Still he stepped closer. 

“Sweetie!” River called and pushed several of her suitors to the side. “How do I owe the pleasure?” He glared at her, but River just continued to grin. She turned and winked the bar man down to her. What she told him the Doctor couldn’t hear, but when River turned again she was holding a glass in her hand and with another glare to the people around her she cleared the bar stool next to her. “Common, Sweetie, sit with me.” He did, but the heat in his veins just intensified. 

River kept talking and flirting, but she never looked away. Her sole focus laid on him and with every second the burn and the anger grew. He didn’t even remember what she said, but he slammed his glass on the bar and glared at her. “Are you done?” 

It was the first time he saw River completely thrown out of her game. Even in the library she had had the last word. Right now she just looked at him. Shocked and out of the corner of his eyes he noticed how her hand shook. 

“Sweetie?” She sounded utterly confused, but he really didn’t care. “Are you  _ done _ ? Because I am. I am so tired of this little game you play and really, why the hell do you think…”

She grabbed his arm before he could continue. Her grip was hard and her nail dug through the layers of fabric and into his flesh. River threw some money onto the bar and dragged him along with him. “Let me go.” He hissed and tried to get out of her grip, but she only tightened it. Only when they left the bar and found an empty alley, River let go of. him. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She growled and he just laughed. 

“Me?  _ ME?!  _ What is wrong with me. How about what is wrong with you? You just keep showing up and…what was that in there?” River just stared back at him. “A date.” She said. “A date you invited me to, you bastard.” 

That took the wind out of his sail and he just stared at River, who now was the one to glare back. “You now I had a shitty week and I had hoped to have a nice date with my…” She just bit her lip and in his head he ended the sentence. “But no. I get the young version of you, who so happened to be a total bastard.” She threw her arms into the air and turned, muttering. 

“I really shouldn’t get my hopes up. Should have known this was just another stunt. Really River, bravo, once again you…” 

He couldn’t understand the next part, but it wasn’t really necessary. He got the message. He was a dick and an idiot.  River…” He reached out to touch her, but she whirled around, glaring. 

“NO” He jumped back. River looked absolutely furious. “I get it, ok! I’m not needed, but really that was no reason to invite me and then use me as your punch back.” Only then he noticed the vortex manipulator. “River…” He tried once more, but she just glared at him one last time and then she was gone. 

He signed and rubbed his face. The TARDIS behind him made a sound and he closed his eyes. “YES I KNOW” The next sound made him wince. “I’m sorry, and yes she’s right. I’m an ass.”

***

The third time he hesitated. It wasn’t a distress call, just some coordinates and the print of her lips in bright red lipstick. 

He hesitated until the TARDIS took the matter in her own hands. Before he could even react she had launched them into the vortex and it was over just as fast as it had begun. The TARDIS fell silent and it was almost like she was glaring at him. “I don’t …” There was a flash of light and he could feel her bumping his mind angrily. “Yes, YES OK!” He said and fled the TARDIS before she could retreat to more brutal forces.

He landed head first in a cake.

She snorts and then she resolves into laughter. It fills the air and cancels out the sound of water falling. When he raises his head to look around he realises that they are in Asgard. 

_ Obviously ringing no bells. Alright, um. Picnic at Asgard, Have we done Asgard yet? Obviously not. Blimey, very early days then. Oo! _ __

His eyes fixed on River and for a moment she took his breath away. The light of the Asgardian sun makes her hair look like a halo and the thousand little water droplets that are in the air around them make it almost magical. 

River laughs until she gets a look at his face. All the joy and the happiness leave her face and it’s replaced with anger and something else. Disappointment?

“ _ You _ ” She growls and grabs the basked and the other food. She is leaving.

He realises then, why they have diary’s. This one is after the thing in the bar. The last time she saw him, he insulted her and just generally was a dick. “No River please” He scrambled to his feet and grabbed her wrist. She glares at him and he is pretty sure that if looks could kill, not even regeneration could save him. 

“I’m sorry.” She actually stops glaring and just stares at him. Her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. Somehow he knows that she doesn’t get to hear those words often, especially not from him. “I’m sorry for what I said and done.” He continues, desperately trying to make her understand.

“I wasn’t in a good place. Donna just …I did…everyone was there and suddenly they were gone and, I just wasn’t in a good mindset…” He stops when he sees River stare darken and scrambles to find words.

“That is not a reason by the way. Not a reason to hurt you River, but …” For a moment she just looks at her. She still looks like a goddess. With her hair and the background and Rassilon, her curves. She looks like a goddess and she looks at him like …

Without thinking he popped the button of his left sleeve and pushed it up, revealing his soul mark. She didn’t stare at it like he had thought. Instead she just glanced at the word and backed up at him. For a moment it looked like she was about to say something, but then her eyes grew wide and she looked back down at his arm. “You just got it!” 

It sounded like she was more concerned with that fact than with  _ her  _ being his soulmate and being dead. 

“You…” he stammered, realising, she knew his soulmark. “You, know it?” River let out a sound he couldn’t quite place and smiled sadly at him. “Oh Sweetie.” She mumbled. He had questions. So many questions. 

Since when did she know? How did she find out? Had he told her if she found out by incident? He didn’t get to ask a single one of those questions. River had grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head. 

Every thought he had disappeared in an instance and all he could do was to stare at the golden skin displayed in front of him. There were scars and marks on her skin. Some nothing more than faded silver lines, others still angry and red. 

“Eyes up Sweetie.” River said and turned around, throwing him a salty grin over her shoulder. He just gulped and smiled back. 

His smile fell once River lifted her hair. Between her shoulder blades was a dark tattoo. The sentence took his breath away. 

It was circular Gallifreyan and it was a declaration of endless love. Of always and completely. 

Together with the equivalent of River name. 

He just stared at the soulmark until River let her hair down and smiled at him. “We both know about our soulmarks, Sweetie. We have as long as we can think.” He sat down and River followed him into the blanked. 

“Did it hurt?” He asked and River laughed again. A broken sound that made him regret the question. River just looked at him. “Did it?” Neither of them needed to answer so they stared at the mist of the waterfall. 

“How did you move on knowing…” He gestured wildly. River just shrugged. “I was young.” She finally said. “I was young and you kept showing up. Smiling at me and promising me more time and …and more happiness. That’s all you ever said. That I will have more time.” 

He looked at her and how she sat next to him. Hugging her knees and with her eyes half closed. Her knuckles were white and she looked tired. He wasn’t sure, but he thought there were tears in her eyes.

_ Time  _ he thought. He was a Time Lord, with a time machine. She had seen him die. It was in her past, but in his future. 

The Doctor looked back at the waterfall and smiled.

“Maybe time is enough.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, ok? Please don't kill me. I literally cried when I wrote this.


End file.
